Fuckarounditis, Cardio Edition
The best strategy is...
Simply Doing It.
You have a cardio problem, but it isn’t the one you think.
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15 years ago, Martin Berkhan published a blog article that would go on to become famous (at the time)
He described a condition known as..
Fuckarounditis
Fuckarounditis is a behavioral disorder characterized by a mediocre physique and complete lack of progress, despite significant amounts of time spent in the gym.
Fuckarounditis most commonly manifests itself as an intense preoccupation with crunches, curls, cable movements, belts, gloves, balance boards, Swiss Balls and Tyler Durden. Fear of squats and deadlifts is another distinguishing trait. Physical exertion is either completely lacking or misapplied (towards questionable or unproductive training practices).
Despite an alarming increase of fuckarounditis in recent years, prevalance may vary greatly depending on location. However, in most commercial gyms, it has been estimated that 90-100% of individuals are afflicted to varying degrees.
Environment and social networks are crucial factors for triggering the disease. It has been proposed that the roots of the disease stems from misinformation and counterproductive training advice found in popular media (“fitness magazines”) and information hubs on the Internet.
Human nature and the so-called “laziness”, “magic bullet” and “complacency” genes plays a permissive role for allowing the disease to take hold.
The disease spreads rapidly, as carriers of the disease communicate with other individuals in locker rooms, Internet discussion forums and other arenas of interaction and information exchange in real life or otherwise.
The onset of symptoms typically occurs in young adulthood and may go undiagnosed for a lifetime. Diagnosis is set by a professional and based on observed behaviors and physique progress.
The article, while tongue and cheek, is undeniably accurate
Strength and muscle are built by doing basic, boring exercises over and over again
effective training is uncomplicated
Most people major in the minor, and complicate exercise to entertain themselves
the Illusion of Complexity traps people in minutia and pedantry
Taking inspiration from Berkhan, the same phenomenon occurs with Cardiovascular training
Ive lost track of the number of podcasts episodes that have covered cardiovascular training. The past few years its been all about ZONE 2 and Zone training, and lactate threshold. And mitochondria. And Norwegian 4x4. And STUDIES
Rewind back to the late 2000s, and it was more focused on high intensity intervals. Tabata. Prowler pushes. METCONS.
There were endless arguments about frequency and intervals and rest periods and pseudoscience bs articles on how running was for PREY, but sprinting was for PREDATORS.
There was a whole movement around lift weights faster (rebranded circuit training). People were buying tires to flip and sledge hammers to smash.
How much of this was ever done consistently? Almost none of it.
Remember these? Back in 2010 they were the hottest thing and articles abounded on why they were the ultimate training tool. Now theyve been forgotten
I encourage everyone to do cardio. Cardio is good for you. Theres no arguing around the obvious short and long term health benefits.
But inevitably, everyone is still arguing today. Except now its running, biking, Zone training, and whether you need 75 minutes or 150 minutes or 300 minutes or some number inbetween and how to structure it…
All of this is an exercise in pedantry. Its bullshit time wasting.
I would bet some of you reading this have a high demand career, maybe a wife, kids, and you have spent time debating whether Zone 2 jogging is better than incline treadmill walking. Youve read five other Substacks about this.Maybe you bought a chest strap. And an assault bike. You’ve listened to multiple podcasts on lactate threshold and intervals. Maybe you decided to try rucking too. And bought a bike even.
But your mile time is still the same as it was a year ago.
You’ve made no objective progress,
but youve tried everything. In fact you’ve been trying things for years
You Have Fuckarounditis ala Cardio
And I am telling you today
JUST FUCKING PICK SOMETHING
Meanwhile there is a older bro lifter in his his 50s, he does 40 minutes of incline walking or the bike 5 days a week. The tool doesnt really matter. He does 40 minutes. Thats what he does.
And its all he does. He doesnt measure the pace. He tries to sweat every time.
He’s done it for 30 years. And he has fantastic cardiovascular health. He doesn’t know what his lactate threshold is. He doesn’t care.
The older bro lifter is getting all the benefits from retardmaxxing his cardio.
Meanwhile you’ve spent thousands of dollars on devices, equipment, and being consistently inconsistent in everything.
But what does the SCIENCE say??
It says cardio is good for you, and doing ANY AMOUNT is better than doing nothing.
The mortality science on cardio is one of the most settled bodies of evidence in human physiology. It points in one direction:
ANY consistent aerobic activity reduces your risk of dying.
A 2023 meta-analysis of 227,000 people across 17 studies found that every 1,000-step increment in daily activity correlated with a 15% reduction in all-cause mortality. The benefit started at roughly 3,800 steps per day.
That’s a long walk after dinner.A study from Taiwan tracking over 400,000 adults for 8 years found significant mortality reduction from just 15 minutes of moderate activity per day.
Fifteen fucking minutes.A 30-year analysis of 100,000+ people published in Circulation found that meeting basic activity guidelines, 150 minutes of moderate aerobic work per week or 75 minutes of vigorous, produced a 20–21% reduction in all-cause mortality.
Doubling that to 300–600 minutes pushed the reduction to 26–31%.
How many people reading this are doing 600 minutes of cardio a week? Thats 2 hours daily. Unlesss youre a pro endurance athlete, no one is doing that
But 150 Minutes a week is 30 minutes daily, occasionally skipping a day. Brain dead simpleA study of 55,000 people followed for over 15 years found that low-dose runners; 1 to 2 sessions per week, less than 52 minutes total, less than 6 miles a week, they got nearly identical mortality reductions compared to high-dose runners.
1-2 sessions a Week
Meta Point=The dose that produces most of the lifetime benefit is shockingly small. 15-30 minutes of sweating. On any kind of schedule.
Most men never get there because they’re still picking the modality.
—>You’re not losing the cardio fight because the volume is too high. You’re losing it because the volume is zero.
Also, the interference effect is overstated
The other reason men don’t do cardio is the persistent fear that cardio kills lifting gains.
This fear is roughly forty years out of date.
Back in1980 there was a famous Hickson study that showed concurrent training reduced strength gains in untrained men.
Since that time, the research has changed. A 2022 meta-analysis in Sports Medicine found no significant interference effect for hypertrophy when cardio and lifting are performed in separate sessions, or when they’re separated by more than 20 minutes within a session.
The interference that does persist is mostly limited to explosive power output, which is relevant if you’re a power athlete, irrelevant for a 38-year-old lifter trying to look good and stay healthy.
For most men reading this: 25 minutes of moderate cycling on Tuesday is not blunting your bench press on Wednesday. It’s making your heart stronger and your recovery faster. It’s working in your favor on the days you lift.
The only “Rule” I have about cardio is not doing hard cardio on a day that you train legs. Dont squat, leg press, and lunge and then plan on a run.
Aside from that, do any cardio any day. Before training, after training, does not matter. Just DO IT.
The Genius/RetardMaxx prescription
Here’s what works. I’ve used it with men aged 30 to 65, with wrecked knees, busy careers, and one open hour in the morning.
Frequency. Three sessions per week.
Duration. 30 minutes per session.
Intensity. SWEAT. Whether thats a lot or a little, SWEAT. At the end of the session, you should be sweating. Whether its profusely or mild, doesnt matter. SWEAT DAMN YOU. If you are sweating, the intensity is sufficient
Modality. Whatever doesn’t break you. Walking, incline treadmill, stationary bike, stepmill, rower, sled or prowler, jump rope, kettlebell complexes, heavy bag. Stay off the road if you’re heavy or beat up. Again, it doesnt matter WHAT you pick. Before y
That’s it. There’s no secret modality. There’s no protocol that beats the others by a massive margin worth optimizing for at this point.
Consistency is King
The cardio fuckarounditis is an emblematic example of the circular optimization conversation in fitness. Talk endlessly about options, but do none of them well.
Consistency is built by removing options, not adding them.
The men who get stuck choosing between modalities aren’t analyzing themselves into excellence. They’re reproducing a problem the supplement industry, the influencer economy, and the medical establishment all benefit from: the belief that the next protocol will fix what 18 months of consistent basic work would have already fixed.
Hence my point to pick something and stick with it. Its the most powerful thing you can do right now.
What to do this week
Pick one modality. Walk, bike, row, prowler, stairs. Pick the one you’ll actually do when you’re tired and requires a minimum of thinking.
Schedule three sessions on a calendar this week. 30 minutes each. Be sweating by the end of it.
Do them. Don’t research. Don’t optimize. Don’t post about them.
Come back in 8 weeks and assess.
The older I get the more and more I find midwitism in everything.